Searching for the other!

We cannot care for another if we cannot see them

To care for and love another, it is necessary to remove the thicket of triggers and fixed beliefs that get in the way.  This is necessary, but not sufficient.

Once we are some way down the path of removing these obstacles, we must allow the uniqueness of the other person to become present to us.

Our normal mode of paying attention – focused attention – is directed towards finding the familiar, what we have seen before.  Yet, by definition, what is unique in another person may not be at all familiar to us and unless we use one of the more global forms of attention - especially sustained attention – their uniqueness may be obscured by what is familiar.

Further, when we use sustained attention, the other person perceives that we are, indeed, paying proper attention to them and they feel seen and valued, and prompted to respond with thoughtful consideration.  It is the act of being – really – seen that creates this response.

We really see them, and they really feel seen.

There is a misconception that really seeing the other is inefficient.  That we are more efficient by identifying what we have seen before and then quickly deciding and acting on the decision.

This may work for the ‘average’ person, but there will be people who are outside the average and it will not work for them.  Their needs are not being met.  If these are students, consequently they may well be disengaged from their learning.  How efficient is that?

We can only convince ourselves that it is their fault “they don’t want to learn”, for a limited amount of time before we must accept that if they were all seen, they would all be more engaged and better learning would take place.

Let’s extinguish triggers, reframe fixed beliefs and then really see people in their uniqueness.

It is better for everyone.

John Corrigan is an expert in helping individuals to bring their whole of mind to their daily life and increase their effectiveness and the effectiveness of those around them. This expertise scales from the individual to the team to the organisation. At the core of this work is the practice of encounter.  Earlier blogs can be found here.

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